I would like to begin by thanking you for the e-mail you sent, and for being as polite as you were today on the phone, and lastly, thank you for allowing me to send this mail. Below is what I wrote to you the other day. I can only hope that you will read this with an open heart and an open mind. For the length of time it takes to read this, please try to lay your anger aside and try to really hear what I am saying to you. I am not a quitter, and I am also not one to push my flaws to the back burner... my biggest hope is that by the time you are done with this, you will at least be able to see that I recognize my mistakes, and am sorry for them. I hope you see that whether you are ever part of my life again or not...
I have been doing alot of thinking about myself, you, and us. I guess when everything you try has failed, it makes you start to look at things differently... or at least look to new ideas/solutions to solve whatever problems exist. This may sound silly, but again, when everything else has failed, why not? I read over some material on Oprah's site from Dr. Phil. He's the relationship expert I guess lol. Anyway, I can tell you now, reading his information, taking his self/partner/relationship evaluations were a real smack in the face. I've thought I was doing my best to do everything right... and in my mind I was... but in reality, I've been just as big a pain in the ass as you have ever been. God that hurts to say.
I guess in my heart I knew with everything in me that I loved you, hopelessly, helplessly, completely. And because I *knew* I loved you so deeply, I never saw myself as doing things to hurt us, or to cause problems. But there were things he noted that were like looking in a mirror: "Do you act out in anger to cure moments of pain?". When I read that... I realized that was me. When I have felt hurt, or let down or not appreciated by you, I have frequently acted out in anger instead of common sense. Why? I am really not sure... Maybe because I saw mom and dad do the same things, maybe because I wasn't sure how else to go about making you know I was hurting... but whatever the underlying cause is, it is no excuse. The bottom line, it not only harms you, but it also hurts me, and us to behave that way. And I have never in my wildest dreams considered myself to be someone who tries to hurt the people I love most. I do not *want* to hurt you... and regardless of our future, I hope that you will eventually find it in your heart to forgive me for any pain I have caused you, whether it was intentional or not... I have been in alot of pain myself, some I caused myself, some I did not... but regardless of my own pain or let down... I am heartbroken that I ever inflicted pain upon you. I love you, and I was wrong.
Another thing Dr. Phil mentioned was this: "You have to take a step back from the depths of your problems and the pains of your intimate interactions-and you must focus on your partner's positive qualities. Turn back the clock and recall what it was that started the friendship that matured into this intimate relationship." We have both spent so much time telling each other what we were doing wrong... that we've totally forgotten why we loved each other... why we ever hoooked up to begin with... why you made that first drive to Nashville nearly a year ago... Looking back at us then... my gosh Brian we were awesome. We rarely argued, when we did, it was short lived and we both apologized for being dorks. Everything was *us*. It wasn't all about ME and it wasn't all about you. It was "Wanker 1 & Wanker 2". We were alot more fair to each other then than we are now... and we were alot happier. But ya know, Dr. Phil also said this: "People think there is no turning back once there are troubles in a relationship. The bottom line here folks is this: As long as both parties are willing to look at themselves, and as long as both parties want to have what they once held, they can. Period. No questions. No doubts. It's not always easy, but it will happen if you let it."
But this was the hardest part he mentioned: "You are fully accountable for your relationship. You can never again believe you're a martyr suffering in your relationship because of an unworthy partner. Create a different lifestyle that will enhance your relationship. Only when you stop seeing yourself as a victim will you start to see yourself as a fully competent and potent force in your relationship." YUCK. Why did he have to go and say that? Do you know how much easier it is to sit here and point fingers? That stuff^^^ is the HARD stuff.... realizing, that regardless of what I think... regardless of how I have been hurt... regardless of how hard I really had tried... I was still doing it wrong. And I didn't even realize it.
Now enough with all of the Dr. Phil stuff... I am SO glad I did read that though... I am SO glad I took the time to look for help for us... because I have seen some things in a totally different light now... and if nothing else, it will help me get myself glued back together... and who knows what else could happen?
Now to the *us* stuff. Brian, I have never in my life been so insanely wild over someone else. There has never been a person that I couldn't just walk away from and be okay with that. The bottom line was that if things weren't going right, until YOU, there was never a person I felt enough for to work through it. Then the big bad WOLFFY came along... and poof... I found myself feeling ways I'd never felt before... wanting more than I'd ever wanted before... and loving more than I'd ever loved before. Loving someone doesn't mean you've got all the answers, it doesn't mean you always do things right... loving someone doesn't mean you've got it all together. I certainly wasn't always right, didn't have all the answers, and I certainly haven't acted in the right ways many times... but I know with every thing inside me that I do and did truly love you.
Now maybe I put you in a position to feel awkward... in other words, maybe you thought if you'd told me you were going out w/ Zena I would've been mad. And I'm sure I wouldn't have liked it... so maybe to you, not to tell me was better than telling... after all, if you did tell me, or if you didn't and I found out later, you were gonna get bitched at either way right? If that's how things have seemed, I am truly sorry. I never wanted to keep you in chains... I always thought I was pretty cool with whatever ya did as long as you told me... but if I screwed up along the way, and made you feel you couldn't tell me things, I am truly sorry for that. I always meant for you to be able to tell me anything... everything.
You have made a very big issue of our trust. And while I am here, I want you to know Brian, you need to think about "trust" and what that means. When you tell people you are single, and you aren't... when you aren't honest about the people you associate with and the things you do.... of course that is going to jeopardize your trust. At the same time, if something is missing.... if you're not having fun... if you need to "breathe", you need to be able to talk to your partner about that. You did some things to make me wonder, I am sure I did some things to make you "want" to be single. And believe me... when I say what I am saying, this is NOT about blame. This is about honesty. We both have made mistakes, I don't think even you would argue with that. But I hope that eventually you can see, that I do want to trust you... and having questions doesn't always mean you don't trust. Neither of us have been justified in anything we've done that has caused trouble for us... we've both in some ways allowed other people to cause conflict in our relationship... and for my part in that, I am very very sorry.
I made a decision this weekend, and I don't know that any of this will matter now... But I decided *if* you and I were to eventually work things out, the Web was going to permanently be gone. I might have to keep the internet for school of course, but as far as chat and the people in it, never again... whether we are done for good, or eventually come to our senses about the fact they we were in love... I am breaking ties with everyone in there with the exception of Marilyn. I can honestly say now, she's the only person who I can say hasn't lied to me. And as for Susan... well, that's a very long story, if I ever talk to you, I will explain it, but bottom line, I don't need that shit. I'm pretty surprised at some things I've learned this weekend... very very surprised.
I really think the distance was starting to cause trouble for us.... but I think even more, that we both put the internet before we did each other. Obviously somewhere along the line, someone has given people some screwed up ideas, about you and Viki, Diane, etc. etc. But that stuff was nothing I wouldn't have gotten over, and it was nothing I wouldn't have believed you about in the end. 'Cause the truth is, when it came to you, I was pretty much a sucker... because my heart was so into you... in the end, I woulda sided with my wanker regardless. But yeah.... I did believe you about more than you think I did.. and I stuck up for you more than you know when people told me shit.
I love you Brian, I have since day one... and it kills me to see two people who claim to love each other with all of their hearts throwing each other away. It's funny... you and I have got to be two of the most stubborn people I know... and yet, when it comes to what's most important to us... we just toss it out the door.. don't even have the guts enough to sit down, be blunt, duke it out, get over it, and get back to being the two happy lil wankers we were. One of Dr. Phil's "myths about relationships" is that "Sometimes too much has been said and done"... Dr. Phil says when people love, when they have open hearts and when they are willing to look at themselves, and willing to forgive... it's never impossible to work through anything. But he does say, it takes alot in a person to do it... and most people he says, just don't have the balls. It's easier to run than face it... even if you are screwing yourself in the process. Welp, I don't want to be that sorta loser... which is why I am even writing this. I don't want to have to look back oneday and say to myself "you know, I loved that man with everything in me, and because I couldn't be honest about me and about us, I never gave things a chance to heal and to be what it once was". I have lived life with enough regrets, I won't keep living with them. Ultimately, it will be up to you whether you can forgive, whether you can look at yourself just like I'm having to look at myself... it will be up to you if you decided I mean enough to think about this any further, and it will be up to you in the end to decide if what we had is worth saving... I can't make you love me, can't make you stick around... but what I can do is tell you that I love you... and because I do, I am willing to see my part in all of this, and to work on that... I am willing to face the facts that even though I loved you, I wasn't perfect either... and I have the guts to say so, and to do my best to act on that... first by apologizing for any pain I've caused you, and second for seeing this for a while as a Brian issue instead of a *we* issue. The truth of it is, as long as we waist time hashing out each other's downsides, we are forgetting the very reasons we both still claim we love each other. Doesn't make sense does it?
Neither of us is growing any younger... when I hit 25 I kinda thought to myself, "boy I've got alot to do and I'm running out of time to do it". I want a family... I want babies, I want a husband oneday whom I love with all of my heart, and who feels the same... oh will there be ups and downs? Of course, there always are. But I want security... I want happiness... and I want to GIVE that as much as I want to receive it. I want to be numero uno to somebody, and I want that person to be the same to me... All my life, all I ever really wanted was just to be loved. I didn't always feel very loved when I was little... I went through alot... Dad would rather have been out drunk than messing with me... Mom was so caught up in the shit Dad did that she couldn't tell my little heart was becoming empty... I somewhere learned to deal with emptiness in my heart by filling my tummy instead... and that of course made matters worse. I grew up being someone I hated... I remember being in the 5th grade and thinking "No one will ever really like me. Everything is wrong with me... I'm fat, I have glasses and I wear braces." That probably makes you laugh to hear that, I know it sounds silly... but to a 12 year old... that's a real deal. So you see Brian, somewhere along the line... I just got damaged. I didn't learn to be functional. I did learn to hate the person I was, and to feel like no one would ever like the person I was... I always had friends, always had guys who wanted to date me when I was older... but when it all boiled down, all I have ever looked for... was to be loved.. completely... And when that's all you care about having... it tends to make you have a weird view of what love is. I guess I always believed those silly fairy tales.. where people were so in love they didn't do stupid things... but I am grown now, and I know that isn't reality.. and the fact is, love doesn't hurt, but people do hurt people... EVEN when they LOVE.
I don't know where we go from here... I'm just rambling on about everything I guess. But the point to all of this is: I love you, with every ounce of my being I love you Brian White. I am not perfect, I never will be. But I do love you enough to try and recognize my own faults, and I do love you enough to ask to be forgiven when I have done wrong. I love you enough to work on doing things differently... to me, you ARE worth fighting for.. I don't mean that in the sense of physical violence... I mean, you are worth changing what needs to be changed, working on what needs work, and you are worth the WORK it takes to do just that.
Ya know, there's something to that stuff about friendship. Have we forgotten why we ever even got together? Do you remember that first weekend? OMG I was SOO freaked you weren't going to show... I remember calling Avery... where is he, he's supposed to be coming there first.. it's been forever he's not there yet!?!!? Then finally you showed... right as he and Randy were leaving! I was soooo happy! You brought Avery's cell with you... remember that? And you were on the phone in the parking lot once you finally got out here lol... and then... omg you walked in. And uhmmm... well, I think you know I was uhmmm very attracted to you... but regardless it was just SO cool having you there! And I remember the first time you made love to me... I remember how Bruizzer got his name (LOL hehehe)... and I remember us driving around all of frickin Nashville trying to find some damn breakfast lol.. and then.. I remember watching you leave... and you have no idea how hard that was... 'cause I was afraid you'd never come back :( But you did... again, and again, and again... we talked, we played spades, we goofed off in IM's ... we flirted even though we were already *together*. I still have logs of you and me back then in Talk City.. oh lord lol!!! We were just so great together... and you know what damnit, I miss that! I miss us being buds... I miss flirting with muh wanker... I miss it being carefree and fun... I hate what happened to us baby... and ya know, looking back at the first 3/4.. we were damn good, and ya know, I'm not sure where we decided to let that go. But I tell ya what... in my heart, I would do anything to have that back. And I know in my heart, if we both wanted those days back, we COULD have them. It takes time, takes understanding, takes alot of work.. takes even more heart... but we are stubborn are we not? Couldn't we ever make that work for us instead of against us? Yep.. we did for the first 8 months.
Yep... too many people, too many things started having more weight with us than we did each other... neither of us is solely to blame for that... but the fact is, I love you Brian, and quite frankly, no one else in this world means anymore to me than you do. I miss us... and YES, YES, YES I WANT to believe in YOU. Hell Brian, don't you know it hurts to think I couldn't? I think we both stopped thinking about each other's feelings... we both quit making it special.. I think we got comfy and we took alot for granted.. and for my part in that, you will never know how sorry I am. I have been a real jerk about alot of things in an effort to show you I was hurting... I don't care about doing that now... it didn't get me anywhere but more hurt.
I miss us. I miss you... hell I miss me... I haven't been me for a while now... I'm not interested in playing the hard role here... no point in saying I don't love you, or that I don't want to love you.. I do love you, and I do want to love you. You were very special to me... and no matter what happens... no matter how bad this has all hurt... I will NEVER forget the times we shared. I won't ever forget the happy times... I won't ever forget what you were to me. It's easy to try and force ourselves to hate each other... but I'm not going to rob myself of the good memories... I don't want to hurt anymore, don't wanna be scared anymore.. don't wanna try and pretend this isn't killing me. It is. But to pretend it was never good, to force the happy memories out of mind will hurt worse than any of this could... so I refuse to do that to myself.
No one I've ever known Brian did to me what you've done... no one I've ever known has made me cry so hard, no one has ever made me hurt so bad... and ya know what? No one has ever made me smile as big, laugh as hard, or feel so good. I miss it.
All my Love (It never really left)- Casey
P.S. I am adding this on at the end... I just got back from gettin' Chinese w/ mom... had a long heart to heart... maybe we can talk about what all was said later.. i'm about typed out. I love you.